Recently Black Rose signed a letter along with other local pagan organizations in support of members of our local community who were allegedly physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually abused by Jessica “Yeshe Rabbit” Mathews. We signed this letter for several reasons, not the least of which is that we have members within our Black Rose community who are also CAYA members and former students of Jessica’s who are deserving of support as they process life after religious abuse. These past few days I have been harassed, students of mine have been harassed, local community members have been harassed, and so I feel it is time to clear the air and share some of my personal knowledge of the situation. Bear in mind for the protection of the survivors, I won’t be able to share as much as I would like.
Jessica and I were colleagues for several years. We planned giant rituals for Pantheacon together, I went to her wedding, she was on my show multiple times, etc. She was one of the first allies I made after moving to the Bay Area and I really respected and valued her, recommending all kinds of people to her for services and for training.
One day we had a slight misunderstanding on Facebook about terminology that I didn’t feel was inclusive to me as a gay man. No big deal I thought, it was a discussion, we have lots of discussions about gender and sexual identity politics. However, Jessica shut down after that and gave me a list of demands for forgiveness.
Intentionally or not, I had stepped in it and so I wrote CAYA a hand-written letter which was sent to Jessica at the shop she was running, I wrote a public apology on Facebook and my blog, I also went on my show and apologized (a stipulation of hers for forgiveness.) But I never heard anything in response once I had. I reached out to friends who were in Jessica’s priestess group, all of which either didn’t respond or reluctantly told me that they were told not to respond or to communicate with me. Shocked, I reached out again to Jessica, surprised that it had all blown into what it had, and she informed me that she was off to Tibet and would see what she could do once she returned. Weeks went on and I didn’t hear anything so at a meeting for my ritual team I explained what was going on and that I was just waiting to hear back. I was then informed that CAYA had already had a meeting before Jessica left and that they agreed I was no ally of theirs.
I reached out to Jessica one last time asking what was going on and how all of this had blown into what it had. She did respond, informing me that I was unrecognizable and a “pod person” and that it was all out of her hands. I later find out that I was the scapegoat for issues that were being raised about her behavior with then current students inside of CAYA.
I learn this by getting calls from members who were jumping ship at this time who warned me about things she was saying about me all through our relationship, as well as ways she would talk down about me to CAYA members and refer to me as a “bad dog who is chained”, something I often heard say about Christian Day. People, men especially, who she saw had some future value to her but with whom she didn’t like at the moment were often referred to as “bad dogs.”
At this point the whole thing had become a nightmare. Someone who I valued and trusted deeply was calling me a pod person and telling people in the community not to talk to me and was manufacturing stories about my store to local pagans in an effort to keep customers from my shop.
Despite not mentioning her publicly and doing everything I can to avoid her, she has continued throughout the years to be someone who I have to clean up after. At least once a month I have a former student of hers coming to me with their personal stories of abuse. No less than three times have I done healing work for her former students who are so wrought with depression over their abuse that they struggle with daily tasks. No less than five times have I been called upon to perform protection work for those who she was attacking in her own community. She banned my books from the store she was running and when people would ask to order them or why they weren’t there she would tell them that I didn’t support women. She lectured people about how I “knew nothing about power” and had no business writing a book about it. She even had one of her students create a fake Amazon account so they could write negative reviews of one of my books.
For years I have been dealing with her personal attacks silently while simultaneously cleaning up after her wake. I didn’t want to speak out because I didn’t want her attention, I wanted to focus on my work. Then word went out locally that Jessica was being asked to step down from her position because accusations were mounting up internally and finally people were speaking out through a private internal investigation. The next day I found out that Jessica had stepped down to beat the leadership council to the punch, and on the wave of that news I was contacted by yet even more survivors. There are something like two dozen people who have come forward most of them I know, have spoken to about their abuse, and are deathly afraid of Jessica’s influence still over CAYA.
This isn’t online banter or frivolous accusation, these are things that happened to people in my community. People who circle with me. People who were complacent in Jessica’s attacks on me who now feel guilty for their part. These are scared people who are in counseling and seeking further legal protections. And again, not just one or two people, we are talking roughly two dozen of her former students. TWO DOZEN.
As I hear their stories I am struck by the similarities between my own experiences with her both previous to and after our falling out. As I connect with other spiritual communities in the local area, like the three other well established local organizations who signed the statement, I am discovering that there is a pattern of behavior that exceeds my own experience with her. Not only do I believe the survivors, but I also fear for those who only know her online persona or don’t know her at all, because I believe they are potentially in real danger.
I wanted to sign that letter for three very specific reasons. First, I have current students and members within my immediate community of Black Rose who say they were personally abused by her while students and I have an obligation to them to stand with them. Second, this happened locally. These are things that bring shame and regret to us locally. We all wish we had done something sooner, said something sooner, and that we hadn’t allowed her to play us against each other.
Lastly, it uses her legal name. In addition to it being the name that CAYA chose to use in their statement as time goes on she may very well drop the name Yeshe Rabbit and move onto something distinguishable from the pain she has caused. She has always talked about creating a commune on Mt.Shasta and recently she has started a Goddess Temple there. History has shown that when a spiritual leader is disgraced they will often reinvent themselves and move on to those who are none the wiser. While there may be a tradition in paganism to adopt a “spiritual” or “magical” name to hide identity and protect the members of the craft; I believe wholeheartedly that to not call her by her legal name would be a grave mistake and could potentially put others in harm’s way. By using her legal name, I believe I protecting my fellow members of the craft from a predator. I cannot in good conscious allow unsuspecting spiritual seekers to fall victim when someone could have said something.
I’m sure it all looks like a circus from other places around the world as you read posts and feeds, but I assure you there is nothing entertaining here. There is only a community that is filled with sadness and remorse that is desperately trying to find a way to move on. CAYA will repair and be stronger for this and they won’t wear the bruises from Jessica forever. The business she was part of has rebranded and will continue to thrive as a safe place for all members of the LGBTQ+ community, not just those who Jessica sees as valid. The Bay Area will continue to host the largest indoor pagan event in the country and we will gather every year to watch in triumph as our community thrives. We are sad, embarrassed for not acting sooner, and in need of your understanding as we seek healing.