Stella Iris


Originally published in a private Facebook group 11 February 2018 -- posted here with permission 20 April 2018
Hello everyone. I'm here, and I'm sorry for lurking. I cannot claim to have read everything that's been said. I'm trying to keep up, but I'm struggling. I don't want to be here if I'm a trigger for anyone. I feel that in a lot of ways I was used as a weapon against some of you. I also realize that I don't actually know the true facts about how and why some of you left CAYA, about what was real and what was Jessica telling me what would keep me in line, keep me separated, keep the whole thing going.

What happened and why I left is a very long story. I was there from the beginning. It was 11 years of my life, encompassing everything. It involves some of the same incidents you read in Akasha's and Jack's and Rowan's accounts. I was also coerced into sexual relations with Jessica, on multiple occasions, with others or with her alone. I was also verbally berated for hours on end about my personal life, about how I conducted my relationships, about how I raised my kid, for years. When I requested sabbatical (unofficially, multiple times), I had duties added on. I was expected to attend to everything, to make the coven a priority above all else. Many of you saw how I was treated when falling short on 8-10 hours per week of volunteer time, plus around 45-60 hours per week of work at my job. I was publicly shamed as unreliable and uninterested in the success of the group. And I was expected to attend to Jessica's well-being, never being supportive enough, never being giving enough. Being Board secretary, Executive High priestess, leader of the public service track, leader of pastoral care, whatever various titles I held, second-in-command was not a position of power, at least not after about 2010. I had gone from being a respected collaborator to being treated like a foolish child. Since she was also my boss, all my life became subject to her scheduling and her say so. She'd give me the day off and then plan my activities. In addition to encouraging me to shun contact with those that left, Jessica made sure I simply didn't have the time to attend to mending fractured friendships.

In Glastonbury, Jessica treated the Mothers of the New Time like a jury, to decide if my ongoing relationship with a trans woman was a betrayal of their trust. While it was vindicating that the women in that room stated that they had no concern about who I chose to be with, it was also made clear to me that I had no recourse to address my concerns. The conflict resolution process could not hold her accountable. the Council could not hold her accountable, no path was open to me.

I left, everything, on August 30th, 2017, with no warning to anyone. I'm sorry if that action hurt you. Once I'd come to see how far out of control I was, I needed to sever all ties immediately. I was on the brink of killing myself; I made several calls to suicide hotlines and reached out to very old friends who had never met her. I needed to stay here for my kid. I needed my life back so I had something to offer him.

I'm sorry this is so long. If anyone wants me to leave this group, I will. I'm so sorry for participating in causing you pain.

See also: